As you have no doubt heard, you will soon board a transport bound for the death world of Krylux V.
To help you prepare for this exciting change of scenery, we’ve invited a special guest columnist to write this week’s edition of The Regimental Standard. This individual, this living embodiment of the Astra Militarum’s martial prowess, is a real hero. He is the man who single-handedly defeated the Hrud invasion of Delphion V, the soldier who was instrumental in the destruction of the notorious Ork Gargant Morkthunder, and the only documented human to ever headbutt a Carnifex to death. Clutch your lasguns tight, and heed the words of Captain Catachan himself.
What a pack of grox-fat swamp weasels you lot are*.
Command ordered me here to turn you lowlife hive-rats into expert jungle fighters. Well I’m never one to shy away from a hopeless battle, so prepare to have your soft spines hardened.
Which reminds me, I hope you enjoyed your bunks while you had ‘em, because you ladies are heading to the Jungle – on a death world no less – and the softest thing you’ll find to lie on are your own innards**. Heck, I’ll bet you a week’s ration of recaff that most of you end up doing just that.
Death worlds are no place for the weak. If you let your guard down, the Jungle will eat you up and…-REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE MUNITORUM- To survive, you have to be tough and you have to be alert. Any of you that don’t want to to end up as compost and gnawed bones on the jungle floor had better follow my rules.
Captain Catachan’s Jungle Rules
- Always bring a knife
A knife’s more than just a weapon in the Jungle. It’s your way through the foliage, it’s your climbing aid, it’s your first aid kit and it’s your lifeline. You won’t get 10 feet on my glorious homeworld of Catachan without a decent blade. And I mean a blade, like my Catachan Fang, not those potato-peelin’ grot-shivs the Munitorum hand out***.
- Stealth is the best armour
Best way to not get killed is to not get seen. I’ve seen gloryboy**** Tempestus Scions in carapace armour stomp round the Jungle, lumens bazing, and get cut down like cattle – enemy saw ‘em clear as day. A stealthier unit can creep past enemy positions or set ambushes. If you think the enemy is close, (and you better assume they always are) keep your armour light, your lumens off, and only carry what you need.
- Don’t you eat that
If you’re not an expert on the Jungle (and you hive-rats sure ain’t), just assume everything is poisonous. It might be tempting to tuck into a juicy xenos fruit, but odds on you’ll regret it later when you contract lung-rot, or have xeno-sect larvae exploding out of your eyeballs.
- Don’t let that eat you
Pretty much everything that isn’t a tree (and even some of those) are trying to kill you all the time. Keep your guard up and your lasgun loaded, and for the love of the God-Emperor, don’t wander away from your squad – you’ll die faster than you can say “death world cliche”.
- It’s hell, but it’s hell for the enemy too
While you’re crawling through a fungal quagmire, bled half to death by blood-gnats, missing a few fingers and probably half your platoon, just remember: the enemy has it just as bad.
The only way you’re going to survive the Jungle is make it your ally. If you manage to survive your first week***** you might start to get the hang of it. Who knows, by the end of your rotation you might be launching ambushes, setting traps and tracking your enemy like a Catachan… Ha! Not likely. Best of luck though.
That’s it for now – I got wars to win.
Maybe, if you survive long enough, I’ll come back some time and share my recipe for heavy flamer-barbequed Catachan Devil. Now that’s a meal worth walking through hell for.
Thought for the Day:
“I love the smell of promethium in the morning.”
– Captain Catachan
*Please disregard Captain Catachan’s colloquial mannerisms. While initially vulgar, rest assured, you will soon find them endearing.
** Do not do this. Any trooper caught resting on their own intestines will face summary execution.
*** Disregard this – your Munitorum-issue combat blades make excellent knives as well as exceptional potato peelers.
**** Do not repeat this derogatory remark about the Emperor’s noble Tempestus Scions. Especially if they can hear you.
***** Life expectancy upon entering death world war zone: 18 hours.