At ease, Guardsmen,
It has come to our attention that word of a so-called ‘Black Crusade’ has filtered out of the astropath towers and has been causing some confusion in the ranks. So we’re all here to clarify the issue and confirm once and for all that it’s nothing to worry about: Everything is Under Control.
Ever since spineless traitors have been turning their heretical tails from the light of the most glorious Emperor, they have taken to hiding in the Eye of Terror – like the cowardly apostates they are – fighting with each other for scraps. Every once in awhile, they run out of rations and start to regret their decision to live in the worst corner of the galaxy*, so they flounder back into the Imperium to try their luck at expanding their derelict, piecemeal kingdoms. This has been going on for almost as long as there’s been a Cadian Gate for them to come out of, but never amounts to much – before long, they return to the squalor of their anchorless existence.
As if leaving the safe, caring bosom of the Emperor’s realm wasn’t enough to illustrate their ineptitude and lack of effective planning skills, the traitors occasionally find themselves caught up in a ‘Black Crusade’.** Where the armies of the Imperium usually have to go after the disloyal scum one heretical warband at a time, during a Black Crusade, they all gather into one convenient location, ripe for full-scale deliverance of the Emperor’s Justice.
So, don’t be surprised if your regiment is called up in the near future to go address this latest display of sub-par intelligence on the part of our hated foes. Consider it a short holiday, where your training regimes will be over even faster than usual, and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to earn merit badges, achievement medals and promotions.***
Remember, we have Everything Under Control!
Thought of the Day:
‘Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.’
* The Eye of Terror region is such a worthless tract of space that the Emperor deemed it was not even worth conquering.
** Most high-ranking officers have concluded that this is more likely just a random confluence that occurs as a result of their numbers and the disparate groups constantly migrating within their small territory, rather than any concerted effort at organising themselves.
*** 97.4% of promotions are earned on the battlefield following the death of a superior officer, and 89.8% of badges and medals are awarded posthumously.