Listen up, Guardsman,
We’ve heard disturbing mutterings* in the barracks of late. Several troopers** have been overheard questioning our regiment’s preparedness for cold weather engagements. These doubts come on the eve of our deployment to Fenris – a death world as vicious as the Space Wolves themselves – in its winter season. To assuage your fears, we have put together this informative guide outlining the true situation.
When deploying, you will be outfitted with one of two different types of battlefield glove.
The ‘Mollies’ (nicknamed for their mollifying features) provide unparalleled warmth, trapping your fingers in a cocoon of insulation***. Note: you will be unable to fire your lasgun while wearing mollies. With the enemy in your sights, you should remove a glove, fire and kill the enemy, and then replace your glove. It is not recommended to leave your hand exposed for more than 5 seconds.
More traditional in design, the standard issue guardsman glove can be worn while firing your weapon. To accommodate this tactical flexibility, they are woven from recycled tunics and offer limited heat retention. For additional warmth, cradle an overcharged laspack or keep your hands in your pockets.
Concerns about the lack of winter camouflage are ridiculous. Simply remain still for 150 standard seconds and your uniform will be indistinguishable from the landscape around you. Should you need further camouflaging, the ‘Saint Celestine’ never fails. Drop onto your back and outstretch your arms. Now paddle them up over your head and down to your hips. Repeat until satisfactorily covered in winter camouflage.
Let us assure you that your standard issue combat boots are more than sufficient for fighting in such conditions. Though they lack sophisticated gripping, you will almost always be knee deep in snow and so the possibility of slipping is virtually non-existent. We would, however, advise that you wear an additional pair of socks.
Finally, should you find yourself in a prolonged engagement, it is imperative that you abandoned grenade protocol and reduce squad spacing in order to conserve heat. Remember though, fraternising is still not permitted – do not get too close.
While it is a shame that manufactorum shortages have resulted in us mustering without scopes or other targeting reticles, and it is of course understood that targeting in blizzards is difficult anyway, you need not fear. In their arrogance, the forces of the enemy are almost universally dressed in visceral, bright colours. You will easily**** be able to see and target them from a distance.
And yes, we traded your flak jackets for thick coats but, again, you needn’t worry. The enemy rely heavily on fire as a weapon, and as any wet behind the ears recruit who has spent a night out on exercises will tell you, you can’t light a fire in the damp, never mind in the depths of winter. So our foes will be as good as unarmed.
Having now realised that you are well prepared for the battle ahead, you are ordered to cease all conversation pertaining to battle readiness. Failure to comply will result in you being deployed without the protection of the items listed.
Thought for the Day:
‘The Universe has a cold, unforgiving heart and cares not for the lives of men.’
**If you are such a trooper please report to your regimental commander or the nearest Commissar. They will reassure you that all will be well.
***Insulation material may cause burning
****If you struggle with this, pass your weapon to a more worthy trooper.