Attention, Guardsman! You are about to be stationed on an ice world. Once the initial excitement of such an exotic locale* has worn off, you will need to accommodate for […]
You are about to be stationed on an ice world. Once the initial excitement of such an exotic locale* has worn off, you will need to accommodate for the adversity of your conditions. While your faith in the Emperor should burn with the heat and force of a neutron star in your breast at all times, alas, thermodynamics pays little respect to even the faithful man. There are other, more physical means that should suffice in preventing your early expiration due to cold,** and thankfully, Private Vladek Wroclaw of the Valhallan 978th has volunteered to provide some from his long career with the Guard:
Greetings, fellow Guardsman. On ice worlds, cold is like the Archenemy – it doesn’t fight fair, it doesn’t sleep and if you don’t watch out for it, it’ll make your toes fall off. I’ve served with the Guard for nearly a decade now, and while I’ll never get my toes back***, I can at least help protect yours.
I’ve been told by my superiors that my original advice wasn’t acceptable, but was “offensive to both common decency and Adeptus Munitorum guidelines”. I realise now the error of my ways, and I’m happy to offer some things you should DEFINITELY NOT DO in cold conditions.
DO NOT hotwire the input ports on your spare lasgun ammo packs. This will damage the pack permanently and will not create a handy warmer that can also be used to cook a standard reconstituted egg ration.
DO NOT leave your carbohydrate ration inside a spare water canteen for two months with 2 millilitres of distilled promethium. Rather than preserve the ration, it’ll merely ferment into a strongly alcoholic beverage, which will need to be strained through a sock to be anywhere close to drinkable!
DO NOT “forget” to wear your hobnailed parade boots when on drill. While the cold will seep in through the steel toes and nails, and while the synthetic calfskin is about as protective against the weather as a line of conscripts against anything bigger than a grot,**** your faith in the Emperor will be certain to protect you against frostbite!
DO NOT offer your lho sticks ration for trade with Valhallan privates. The only useful information they have to offer you is better ways to praise the God-Emperor, and rumours of a “black-market” are obvious falsehoods designed to impugn the good name of our regiment!
Seems simple enough to follow, Guardsman! You would do well to emulate the faith and fortitude of your Valhallan brethren on the battlefield and off it.
* For further guidance, please consult Uplifting Pamphlet 7548//b “Why is the ceiling raining corpse ash and why are my fellow Guardsmen making morbid effigies out of it?” and 97 Other Common Questions Asked By Hive-born Guardsmen Assigned To Cold Temperature Biomes.
** And thus allowing you the glory of martyrdom later in the campaign.
*** Upon qualifying to officer rank, select regiments may appeal to the local Biologis Munitorum for bionic artificial phalanges and metatarsal replacements provided said toes were lost in suitably heroic endeavour.
**** For further information on the combat efficacy of conscripts for officers, read here.