Are you looking after your weapons’ machine spirits, Guardsmen? With all manner of horrible heretics making their way to your war zone, your vigilance is required more than ever!
The machineries of the heretics are poorly maintained and, having been torn from the hands of loyal Imperial citizens, resent their new owner’s traitorous intent. This is one of the many reasons the heretics will never win!
However, the presence of these unruly machine spirits can prove disruptive to your own tanks and wargear, much as a spooked grox can cause an entire herd to stampede. As such, we have produced some guidelines should your faithful lasgun seize up.
Anoint with Sacred Oils
Nothing soothes a machine spirit quite like anointing its vessel with sacred oils! Simply break open your emergency stocks of anointing oil and rub down your weapon using a clean cloth.*
Praise the Machine Spirit
Should oiling fail, you may wish to extol the virtues of your lasgun through chanting. Should the standard Infantryman’s Creed fail to coax the machine spirit into action, some binharic cant may work. We would recommend 01010000 01100101 01110111 00100001 00100000 01010000 01100101 01110111 00100001, or catchier ditties like 01001111 01100100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01000110 01101100 01100001 01110011 01101000 01101100 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100.
Let Thy Weary Weapon Rest
Lasguns, tanks and even your grenades have wondrous machine spirits that aid in their function. Your combat bayonet, on the other hand, requires nothing more than your hate and a little elbow-grease to operate at peak efficiency.** Should all else fail, give your lasgun’s machine spirit a break and charge the foe.
** It is important to note that, while Tech-Priests differ on the exact spiritual complexity of objects that have no moving parts, and several bloody schisms have been fought over this exact issue, the current official stance of the Astra Militarum is that they do not. However, loudly proclaiming their effectiveness and singing litanies of battle is still recommended for purposes of psychological intimidation of the foe.