You’ll no doubt have heard that the deluded foes of Mankind have once again risen up to challenge our indomitable might in light of a so-called “Psychic Awakening”. Well, we’re here to reassure you that these uprisings have been well and truly crushed.* To put this matter to bed, we’re offering you the rare privilege of reading the latest reports from the victorious front lines…
When bitter infighting broke out between rival xenos forces, it provided us with some entertaining viewing, but no cause to intervene directly. According to the number crunchers at Imperial High Command, two xenos armies slaughtering each other counts as a win for us, and we didn’t even have to raise a finger, let alone fix bayonets!
When heresy reared its ugly head on the world of Benediction, in the Talledus System, it was swiftly quashed by a holy crusade led by the Black Templars. With the traitors’ evil plans undone, it won’t be long before they are scoured** from the world. Furthermore, absolutely no heretical transmissions or broadcasts made it out of the system, so we can rest easy knowing that no enemy reinforcements will be arriving to this war zone any time soon.
The Tyranids of Hive Fleet Leviathan chose poorly when they sought to make a meal of the Blood Angels home world during a family reunion of all the successor Chapters. After proving to each and every bio-organism the true meaning of being an Angel of Death, the scions of noble Sanguinius sent the cowardly creatures packing with only minimal losses.***
The medium-level heretic that leads the treacherous Thousand Sons summoned a rabble of unwanted souls to his ruined world in some misguided attempt to sway their allegiance from the Master of Mankind. Yet, like all would-be threats to God-Emperor’s glory, the traitor’s machinations proved entirely too predictable and were thwarted by the Dark Angels and another Chapter of silver-armoured Space Marines who, as yet, remain unidentified.****
In the Startide Nexus, silver-tongued xenos diplomats from the upstart T’au Empire and insidious half-breed mutants from Vorotheion failed dismally to undermine our conviction. As always, our citizens’ faith in the God-Emperor remained beyond reproach.** The dishonourable wretches have since been shown the superiority of the Imperial Creed – and the effectiveness of a good bayonet thrust.
After word spread of Orks getting riled up across multiple war zones, the Space Wolves were unleashed to ensure their destruction. Their legendary leader Ragnar Blackmane took the head of the largest Ork, and we’ve not heard from the cowardly greenskins since.*****
On the staunchly loyal forge world of Ordex-Thaag, Knights of all shapes and sizes have been seen duelling across the planet’s surface. We’ve been reliably informed by the Tech-Priests of the Adeptus Mechanicus, who are overseeing the operation, that this is merely a training exercise to practice victorious manoeuvers against grossly understrength foes. As such, you are being deployed to this war zone to observe and partake in the victory parade rehearsals before being reassigned. These drills should have a 3-4% reduction in casualties from standard deployments.
So there you have it, Guardsmen. More victories than we expect you to be able to count! Even though your regiment is being shipped out to aid in the clean-up operations of these war zones, you can rest assured that they are all very much in hand, so we expect your martyrdom rates to be no more than 85%!
* Any reports of bedraggled survivors retreating from these war zones will be treated with the scorn they deserve – and anyone caught spreading such heinous rumours will be subject to a terminal flogging.
** Accounts of mass executions for heresy have been greatly exaggerated.
*** We can confirm that fanciful tales of the Blood Angels and their successors suffering near total losses in the conflict are, in fact, wildly inaccurate.
**** Unusually, no witnesses of their actions have yet proven forthcoming.
***** Rumours of Ork armies continuing to ravage worlds all across the galaxy and sightings of the Beast having risen once more are, of course, laughably unfounded – the creature was beheaded! How could it possibly have survived?!